The Hallow Life

My first ever romance/tragedy/horror/thriller...
Please cut me a little slack...

Prologue


She stumbled, her feet splashing through puddles and slipping on the tarmac. She looked back, but couldn’t see past the sheen of torrential rain. The fog had long set in and she felt wet and cold. The air she breathed stung her throat and nose, the water making her feel waterlogged.

She panted, looking back again as a water droplet fell off her nose. Her hair stuck to her face and neck, water pouring down her face. She could no longer hear him, or anything else for that matter, the rain was so loud in her ears.

She looked to either side, desperate to find shelter, but couldn’t see anything but what was a few feet in front of her.

She ran forward, and stopped when her shadow started to grow in front of her.

She screamed…

Chapter 1
Part 1

Sam looked to either side of her, balancing on her skateboard on the edge of the bowl. She leant forward without hesitation and rode down, gaining speed until eventually she ollied and 50-50ed a rail. She rode up the opposite side of the bowl and paused, going to a fakie and riding back down, this time she ollied and boardslided the rail. She turned to the right, between a dip of the bowl. She rode up, pushing the board for speed, and dodged other skaters.

She rode up the side of the bowl, leant forward again, and up a ramp, she ollied, kick flipped and landed perfectly. She rode up the side of the bowl, ollied and spine transferred over to the flat edge. She bailed and let her board clatter to the ground as she landed on her feet. She breathed out, the adrenaline racing through her veins. She shook her muscles, bent to pick up the board and straightened. She looked around, brushing a loose piece of hair from her face and pushed it up into her hat.

She started to walk away when she saw her step-mother. She stopped, turned, dropped her board and placed her back foot onto the back bolts. Caleb walked up to her, “Hey. Aren’t you goin-?” he stopped his sentence, “Step-mom?”

Sam nodded, “Yeah. Goin to Ryan’s place.” She looked up into his eyes, “You comin?”

He nodded, a little unsure, “Maybe, but you’d better get goin. Your step-mum’s stampin her way up here and pushing other skaters out the way.”

She looked behind her to watch a six-year-old be put onto the bad side of her step-mother. She looked down and breathed out as skater’s surrounded her step-mother, including a furious father. They were yelling and screaming as the six-year-old balled his eyes out. Sam flipped her board up, grabbed it, shoved it towards Caleb and slide down into the bowl.

She stood near the mass pile of skaters and broken boards. She helped the six-year-old up and bent down. She reached for the arm he was cradling but he pulled his arm away, “Hey, what’s your name?”

He whimpered, “Bobby.”

“Does your arm hurt?” he nodded, “Okay, look. I’m going to get you outta here, but you gotta trust me.” He nodded again. Sam turned to Caleb, “Pass my board.”

Caleb slid it into the bowl, and Sam stopped it with her foot. She put the small boy onto the board, and started to push. She was glad she was wearing her new skate shoes, or she would have slipped down by the time she reached the top. She looked at Caleb, “Caleb, grab Bobby’s other arm. The one his cradling is probably broken.”

Caleb reached out and assured the boy that everything was gonna be okay. Sam slid back down with her board and started helping the other skaters up as their friends tried to as well. When they were all standing they threw their broken boards at Sam’s step-mother, blinding her from where her step-daughter was going. By the time they’d stopped throwing them, Caleb was telling Bobby’s father the worst case scenario of the fall and Sam was gone.

Chapter 1
Part 2

Sam skated down the street, dodging on-coming cars and cars she was passing. She took her hat off, knowing it would blow away any second. She tucked the hat into her jacket pocket and kept going, ignoring her short hair blowing after her.

She smiled as the wind blew passed her and cars were beaten by her speed. But in a few seconds she’d forget all that. A run-away semitrailer railed down the road, and threw the red light, that allowed Sam to have a green. She didn’t see it coming, and when she did she bailed, only to have several other cars involved in the accident. She hit the ground hard, her leg snapping when she tried to stop. She fell forward, her head colliding with the tarmac and knocking her out.

She rolled onto a refuge island and stopped, glass and dirt pressing into her skin. She lay unconscious, bleeding onto the dirt. Several people raced over, noticing that her arm and leg weren’t supposed to sit like that. A young woman raced forward, and knelt beside Sam, “Give her space. Anyone who can help, help. Anyone who can’t. Go gape somewhere else.”

Several strong men raced forward and knelt beside her. Several others were still gaping. Caleb raced down to see if her can help with whatever was happening. When he fought through the group and saw Sam he went weak at the knees, “Sam!” he cried out, crawling over to her. He looked up at the nurse as he brushed Sam’s face, “Is she- is she okay?”

“I don’t know.” She replied, “What I do know is that she fell hard. I think her arm and leg are broken, while she has an extreme skull fracture.” Sirens in the background relaxed her, “You know her?” she asked Caleb. The question didn’t register, he was too worried, “Do you know her?” she poked the boy.

He snapped from his trance, cleared his throat and nodded, “Yeah. We were skating together about ten minutes ago.”

“Okay. What’s her name, her age, and who are her parents?”

“Her name’s Samantha Peterson, she’s fourteen and her parent is her father, Paul Peterson.”

“Do you know his phone number?”

“Yeah.”

“Tell the police when they get here.”

Caleb nodded, he lightly brushed Sam’s face again, “It’s going to be okay…I promise.” He leant down to her face and kissed her cheek, “I promise.”

“Boyfriend?” asked the woman.

“No. Childhood friend who has a massive crush.”

“For how long?”

“Since I was six.”

The young woman smirked, “Names Lisa. I’m a nurse and I’ll help her anyway I can.”

Caleb was going pale, “I just don’t want her to-“

Lisa put her hand on his shoulder, “She won’t. I’ll make sure of it.” Caleb nodded, but he seemed unsure, “You should sit back, you don’t look too good.”

“I don’t feel to good.”

“It’s okay. It’s only shock. When you get over it you’ll be fine.”

“Move, move! Get out of the bloody way!” yelled two uniformed nurses. They saw Lisa and relaxed, “Lisa! Thank goodness you found her. Is she okay? How’s she doin?”


“She got a broken arm, leg and skull fracture. She may have amnesia so I suggest you take this boy with you. His name is Caleb and has known her his entire life. She’s been bleeding heavily and her hearts going crazy. Sedative and possibly a blood transfusion is in order.”

The two nurses nodded, “We’ll need you back at the hospital. Get in your car and make your way there.”

“She’s unconscious, not dead.” She assured Caleb as he climbed into the ambulance, “She’ll be fine.”

The nurses understood her tone of voice and knew that he needed comfort, “Can you tell me her personal details?”

“Her name’s Samantha Peterson. But she prefers Sam. She lives with her dad and hated step-mother, and her step-sister. She lives in Oxley, and was on her way to a friends house.”

“Who is he so we can tell him too?”

“Ryan Fitzgerald. He lives in Oxley too, but about three blocks away. His number is-“ he detailed the number, “Her dad’s work number is-“

The nurse wrote it down and smiled, patting Caleb on the shoulder, “She’ll be fine.”

Caleb nodded, and sat as her realised they were already moving, siren’s blaring. The nurses rushed over Sam as she suddenly woke up, “Caleb!” she screamed, “Caleb!”

Caleb rushed over and gently grasped her hand, “I’m- I’m here Sam. It’s okay I’m here.”

“It hurts!”

“What does?” asked the nurse.

“My leg, my arm. My head!” she shrieked as the ambulance rocked.

“We need sedative. She shouldn’t be moving like that.”

They carefully and slowly injected it into her free arm, but her attention on Caleb stopped her from fighting them, “Sam. It’s gonna be okay. I’m here now.”

“I- I can’t remember anything before the accident, but you. You I remember.” She smiled, “I remember you…” her eyes drooped, a sign the sedative was working, “Caleb, I want you to know…I’ll never forget you. I promise.”

Caleb smiled, “If you do it doesn’t matter, I’ll never forget you. And I will make new memories with you. Because I lo-“

The ambulance stopped, and the doors flew open. Sam and Caleb were taken out of the ambulance, staring into each others eyes. Caleb ran with Sam until he had to leave, just in front of the operation room.

Caleb heard the muted calls of his parents and turned, all the blood rushing to his head and grief rocking him all over. His parents embraced him as denial and shock finally caught up and he burst into tears. His parents were just as shocked as he was, but he was in love with her and was so scared she’d die.

His parent’s knew how much he loved her, and she’d confided in them that she loves him. They rocked and cried silently, trying desperately to comfort their oldest child. Their youngest didn’t understand what was happening, and hugged his mother’s leg as they grieved.

(10-05-2009 10:46 PM)Wraith Wrote: [ -> ]My first ever romance/tragedy/horror/thriller...
Please cut me a little slack...

Hehe, you've stepped ino one area I'm good at. Romance is what I write most, so hopefully any advice I give is useful ^^

Quote:Prologue


She stumbled, her feet splashing through puddles and slipping on the tarmac. She looked back, but couldn’t see past the sheen of torrential rain. The fog had long set in and she felt wet and cold. The air she breathed stung her throat and nose, the water making her feel waterlogged.

She panted, looking back again as a water droplet fell off her nose. Her hair stuck to her face and neck, water pouring down her face. She could no longer hear him, or anything else for that matter, the rain was so loud in her ears.

She looked to either side, desperate to find shelter, but couldn’t see anything but what was a few feet in front of her.

She ran forward, and stopped when her shadow started to grow in front of her.

She screamed…

Watch how many times you start your sentences off with "She." It makes the rhythm of your words sound awkward because of the repetition. Also, with sentences like Her hair stuck to her face and neck, water pouring down her face. ...that could be divided into two sentences. Vary the length of your sentences, especially if what you want to portray is the sheer terror she feels. Shorter sentences make for a panicked feel, while the longer sentences can carry the flow of what you're saying (if that makes sense).

(10-05-2009 10:48 PM)Wraith Wrote: [ -> ]Chapter 1
Part 1

Sam looked to either side of her, balancing on her skateboard on the edge of the bowl. She leant forward without hesitation and rode down, gaining speed until eventually she ollied and 50-50ed a rail. She rode up the opposite side of the bowl and paused, going to a fakie and riding back down, this time she ollied and boardslided the rail. She turned to the right, between a dip of the bowl. She rode up, pushing the board for speed, and dodged other skaters.

I'm not a skater by any means (I doubt I could probably stand straight without falling on my ass) ...so all the skating terms here confused me. I'm sure someone with a little more knowledge than me would pick up on it and smile in recognition but...I dunno what to tell you here. A skater I am not...

But side note, leant would probably sound better as leaned.

Quote: She rode up the side of the bowl, leant forward again, and up a ramp, she ollied, kick flipped and landed perfectly. She rode up the side of the bowl, ollied and spine transferred over to the flat edge. She bailed and let her board clatter to the ground as she landed on her feet. She breathed out, the adrenaline racing through her veins. She shook her muscles, bent to pick up the board and straightened. She looked around, brushing a loose piece of hair from her face and pushed it up into her hat.

Don't think I need to further emphasize my failing to grasp skating terms... hm. One other thing, the phrase She shook her muscles... sounds incredibly awkward. Or, at least, it gives me a strange image, since in general, I don't think people try to shake specific muscles; but rather, a whole limb like an arm or leg. Could just be me.

Also, something I'd like to see more of is description of the character, mixed in with what the character is doing. One thing I do in my stories, at least, is try to blend them together. Like while you're describing how she skates, maybe describe the glint in her eyes (along with eye color, a grin, I dunno). Might be too early in the story to tell, but as of now, Sam is a pretty faceless character, aside from a skating chick wearing a hat.

Quote: She started to walk away when she saw her step-mother. She stopped, turned, dropped her board and placed her back foot onto the back bolts. Caleb walked up to her, “Hey. Aren’t you goin-?” he stopped his sentence, “Step-mom?”

Step mother doesn't need to have a hyphen in it. Also, one thing I'm wondering is Who's Caleb? Random insertion of characters can work, maybe if they're not just thrown in. Like maybe, rephrased, A boy walked over to her. He was Caleb, a friend who... ...you know. A little more description than just "oh hey, let's make this character randomly appear."

Quote: Sam nodded, “Yeah. Goin to Ryan’s place.” She looked up into his eyes, “You comin?”

If you're doing dialogue, with words like goin, it might be a good idea to put an apostrophe at the end, that way there's no chance that the reader thinks you accidentally forgot a letter.

Sentence flow might also work better if the She looked up... part was after Sam nodded, so it reads like:
Sam nodded [and] looked up into his eyes.
That way the paragraph isn't split like [character action][dialogue][character action][dialogue].

Quote: He nodded, a little unsure, “Maybe, but you’d better get goin. Your step-mum’s stampin her way up here and pushing other skaters out the way.”

I'd change the comma after unsure to a period, that way it doesn't seem like a run on sentence.

Quote: She looked behind her to watch a six-year-old be put onto the bad side of her step-mother. She looked down and breathed out as skater’s surrounded her step-mother, including a furious father. They were yelling and screaming as the six-year-old balled his eyes out. Sam flipped her board up, grabbed it, shoved it towards Caleb and slide down into the bowl.

Six year old doesn't need hyphens between the words. Also, remove the apostrophe in skater's.

Quote: She stood near the mass pile of skaters and broken boards. She helped the six-year-old up and bent down. She reached for the arm he was cradling but he pulled his arm away, “Hey, what’s your name?”

Mass pile of skaters gave me a funny image, as if they were literally piled on top of each other. Could be me. But you might want to watch your wording.

Also, She helped the six-year-old up and bent down. could be rephrased. The contraditon of up and down is rather...misleading. Might be better as, She bent over to help the six year old back get back up on his feet or something. And again, watch how your sentences start. That paragraph started the same way all the way up until the dialogue started.

Quote: “Does your arm hurt?” he nodded, “Okay, look. I’m going to get you outta here, but you gotta trust me.” He nodded again. Sam turned to Caleb, “Pass my board.”

Alright, this confused me a bit. The boy's actions mixed with Sam's dialogue made it confusing as to figuring out who was doing what. The way I would reword it would be something closer to:
“Does your arm hurt?” Sam asked.

He nodded.

“Okay, look. I’m going to get you outta here, but you gotta trust me.” When he nodded again, Sam turned to Caleb. “Pass my board.”

Quote: Caleb slid it into the bowl, and Sam stopped it with her foot. She put the small boy onto the board, and started to push. She was glad she was wearing her new skate shoes, or she would have slipped down by the time she reached the top. She looked at Caleb, “Caleb, grab Bobby’s other arm. The one his cradling is probably broken.”

Whoa. Here's where I stopped and said, "Wtf?" ...if his broken arm was caused by Sam's step mother, I must have missed it, since all the detail that was given was that she was pushing skaters out of the way and there was an outrage over it. I think I missed something...

Quote: Caleb reached out and assured the boy that everything was gonna be okay. Sam slid back down with her board and started helping the other skaters up as their friends tried to as well. When they were all standing they threw their broken boards at Sam’s step-mother, blinding her from where her step-daughter was going. By the time they’d stopped throwing them, Caleb was telling Bobby’s father the worst case scenario of the fall and Sam was gone.

Again, wtf on the details... Suddenly all the skaters are hurling boards at the step mother? Either this is a crowd of some ultra-violent people or there's definitely some missing detail. Even people in a riot don't just randomly act violent, unless they're caught up in some kind of crowd hysteria. But for a bunch of people in an otherwise normal setting, this doesn't really make sense.

Also...why chapter parts one and two? Unless you're doing several parts, like how Stephen King has several "mini chapters" within his chapters. If they're just scene divides, you could do what I do and figure out a way to divide the scenes without making a new post.

Like in middle school I used * * *
High school was ~*~*~
And now it's just _______________

It might interrupt the flow, or the looks a bit, but you wouldn't have to post multiple times for the same chapter.



I'll post the critique for chapter one, part two in a bit. Exhaustion makes for a horrible critique xP